Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
