Fine. I'll sleep in my office
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
