I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize