I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
