I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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