sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
