you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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