Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
