can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize