Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
