Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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