if only i could text you this smell
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
