I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
