she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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