The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
