I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
