she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize