WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
