Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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