it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
