Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize