you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
