Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
