btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
