it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
