in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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