I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
