Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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