WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
