i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
