If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I AM VODKA MAN
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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