On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
