dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
