It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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