Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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