I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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