I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize