fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
