Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He shit in the fireplace
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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