i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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