I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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