It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
