two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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