Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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