i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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