my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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