I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
