ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
