Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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