If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
