my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
