I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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