I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
