so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
