Will you blow on my dice?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
