hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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