It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize