I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
